#92 Am I Working on the Right Thing? When Communication Problems Are About More Than Communication

Communication Problems—or Something Deeper? Is a relationship problem really a communication problem? In this solo episode, psychologist Xan Banker, Psy.D., L.P., explores why conflict often involves more than finding the right words. Defensiveness, shame, emotional regulation, attachment insecurity, and difficulty considering another person's perspective can all interfere with mutual understanding. Using a hypothetical couple's disagreement, Xan explores the difference between self-improvement and discernment. Sometimes the question isn't “How can I say this better?” but “What is happening between us, and what part is actually mine to work on?” She also considers when repeated denial or dismissal of someone's experience warrants closer attention, including the possibility of gaslighting. Three relational approaches guide the discussion: David Burns' Five Secrets of Effective Communication (disarming, thought empathy, feeling empathy, “I feel” statements, and stroking); John and Julie Gottman's concept of accepting influence; and Jessica Benjamin's idea of thirdness—moving beyond a rigid doer/done-to dynamic toward shared psychological space. Effective communication requires not only skills, but also curiosity, emotional regulation, respect, and willingness to be influenced. CHAPTERS 00:00 – Beyond communication skills 01:44 – Looking beneath the presenting problem 04:09 – When clear communication isn't enough 06:27 – Discernment versus better wording 08:56 – Burns and the Gottmans 10:13 – Burns' Five Secrets 11:55 – Empathy, regulation, and respect 13:36 – Accepting influence 15:24 – Benjamin's thirdness 16:20 – Doer/done-to conflict 18:38 – You cannot do another person's work 19:06 – Different problems, different work 20:54 – Revising the first explanation 21:20 – A better question to ask REFERENCES Benjamin, J. (2018). Beyond doer and done to: Recognition theory, intersubjectivity and the third. Routledge. Burns, D. D. (2008). Feeling good together: The secret to making troubled relationships work. Broadway Books. Doss, B. D., Thum, Y. M., Sevier, M., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2005). Improving relationships: Mechanisms of change in couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(4), 624–633. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.4.624 Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: Insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.017 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers. Luyten, P., & Fonagy, P. (2015). The neurobiology of mentalizing. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 6(4), 366–379. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000117 National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). A deeper look into gaslighting. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-deeper-look-into-gaslighting/ National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is gaslighting? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/ Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632 Vangelisti, A. L. (1994). Couples' communication problems: The counselor's perspective. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 22(2), 106–126. https://doi.org/10.1080/00909889409365392

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